I just recently discovered something about Ms. Fireworks, she is seeing someone today (insert sad song here).
This was my worst fear, I guess I am not good enough. Is the cosmos trying to play with my emotions again? I rarely love someone, but I wanted to open up when I am ready. I am too slow, too cryptic, too passive and too secretive. Knowing that she is happy with another does break my heart. A feeling I never had in a while. I am devastated.
This is the reason why a new post has surfaced after some time of dormancy. Can it be a sign that I this feeling was not meant to be? But it hurts, it really does. I am changing my ways a step at a time, have a job, look better, eat smart, and write again. Things that I thought I would never do again.
I afraid to become one of my characters who got their hearts broken. Embracing the void that consumes the broken heart and the soul which has lost its purpose. Can I move on? It depends on me, I embranced this feeling again and was determined to start with improving myself which is still in progress and now challenged to do more. Failure is really frustrating, and I think I had too many of them.
The week started with a holiday with a light Monday, then things got ugly on Tension Tuesday. Then when I just confirmed the news is something that is bothering my insides. I have to admit I am still human and I feel pain and (indirect) rejection.
I know it is not her fault, she is lonely and does need someone. Given also my situation of time and resources, I can only do little. I am not an expert and I am just too afraid despite my intimidating status.
Now what? Honestly I don't know. I know there can be a lot of ways but I will still hope for love. And its good I am acknowledging this feeling that I never felt before.
Fireworks has ended but only the smoke remains.
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